My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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