i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
