U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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