Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
