I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
