Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
