i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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