he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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