Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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