i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
