I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
