i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
