The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
