dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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