If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
now i know why i became what i already was.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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