Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
