Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
