you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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