i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
