we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
