I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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