2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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