Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
