A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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