College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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