there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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