I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
When are your genitals available?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
