when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
