uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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