some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
