My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
