Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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