I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
50% drunk capacity currently
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
