Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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