I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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