i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
