If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
