i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
