I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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