Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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