Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
