I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
