I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
