I think scott just propositioned me for sex
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
