if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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