is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
