Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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