Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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