i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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