Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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