Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Randomize
