Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
