good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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