My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
