How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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