You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
