IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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