dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
